Things had become so difficult up at the North Pole
The elves had become unionized they’d put everything on hold
They said Santa was a bore, he wasn’t politically correct
“So we’re shutting you down, there’s work bans in place.” Said the shop steward elect
And so before he'd had a chance to call his lawyer
Santa had become an equal opportunity employer
So now in the workshop at his North Pole home
Santa employs dwarves, sprites and gnome
And now the factory floor will feature
Every imaginable fairy-tale creature
So Santa’s helpers are now of all sorts
In the Vertically Challenged Union, VCU for short
And what of the big man, Santa himself
Is he a man or just a big elf?
With a flowing white beard and a jolly old smile
He hasn’t seen his toes in quite a while
His coat is too small and his suit a bit tight
But he’s the right weight for a man twice his height
He used to be jolly, he used to be gay.
But that word has a new meaning these days
Still times have surely changed he said with a shrug
Children can’t sit on my lap and I can’t give them a hug
Not while FACS are out to enforce
All these new Child Protection laws
And as for the book of naughty and nice
It seems that Santa will have to think twice
‘Cause what can he see behind the closed doors
Without breaking any privacy laws
Now we find the naughty are good
They’re not really bad, just misunderstood
Now the toys this year are really terrific
Without them being gender specific
So it’s goodbye Barbie and it’s goodbye Ken
I don’t know when we’ll see them again
Now that the politically correct have had their way
All of the toys are now coloured grey
No longer will there be chocolates and sweets
Because they’ve been deemed unhealthy to eat
And you’ll find if kids eat too much
They’ll end up with diabetes and such
They’ll turn into a sugar abuser
Or end up like Santa a lettuce refuser
At Christmas this year what has Santa learnt
Bow down to minority groups, or for Christmas past yearn
But here is one thing he can give as a gift
Something quite meaningful, to make your spirits lift
It’s the gift that gives again and again
Goodwill to all, and peace among men.