Politically Correct Night before Christmas

Twas the night before Xmas and all was on hold
Because political correctness had reached the North Pole

All the work had stopped on the factory floor
Because Santa had breached an OH&S law

And before Santa had the chance to call his lawyer
He had become an equal opportunity employer

So now in the workshop at his North Pole home
Santa employs dwarves, sprites and gnome

And now the factory floor will feature
Every imaginable fairy-tale creature

Working so hard, side by side with the elves
Working real hard to fill the warehouse shelves.

So Santa’s helpers are now of all sorts
In the Vertically Challenged Union, VCU for short.

They’ve become organised and have representation
Helping them out with award negotiations

They’re now ready to slap on work bans
Or slowing their work if Santa doesn’t meet their demands

But what are their demands what do they seek
Superannuation and a 38 hour week

Public Holidays are optional and paid at overtime
Anything less would be an IR crime

At Santa’s home they need to keep warm
So also they need a comfortable uniform

And what of the big man, Santa himself
Is he a man or just a big elf?

With a flowing white beard and a jolly old smile
He hasn’t seen his toes in quite a while

His coat is too small and his suit a bit tight
But he’s the right weight for a man twice his height

He used to be jolly, he used to be gay.
But that word has a new meaning these days

Still times have surely changed he said with a shrug
Children can’t sit on my lap and I can’t give them a hug

Not while FACS are out to enforce
All these new Child Protection laws

And as for the book of naughty and nice
It seems that Santa will have to think twice

‘Cause what can he see behind the closed doors
Without breaking any privacy laws

Now we find the naughty are good
They’re not really bad, just misunderstood

Now the toys this year are really terrific
Without them being gender specific

So it’s goodbye Barbie and it’s goodbye Ken
I don’t know when we’ll see them again

Now that the politically correct have had their way
All of the toys are now coloured grey

No longer will there be chocolates and sweets
Because they’ve been deemed unhealthy to eat

And you’ll find if kids eat too much
They’ll end up with diabetes and such

They’ll turn into a sugar abuser
Or end up like Santa a lettuce refuser

Then out from the stables there arose such a clatter
But the RSPCA were there to see what was the matter

There in the stables Santa found a sight quite strange
NO reindeer to be found, they now were free range

This gave them more energy to get the sleigh lifted
Heaven knows they need it ‘cause Santa’s horizontally gifted

But what of the reindeer like Doner and Cupid
They’re running free, you know they’re not stupid

Since been released they’re flying much faster
All this because of the fresh greener pasture

But now because of work embargoes
Santa can’t use Rudolf’s red nose


When delivering presents he’ll have to move fast
Or else get caught and charged with trespass.

But there’s still time for cookies, milk and not beer
Cause the booze buses are out in force this year

It’s no good for Santa to blow .05
Then he’ll have to be a passenger, Mrs Claus will have to drive

Santa’s sleigh full of gadgets it’s become hi-tech
There’ll be no need for the RTA to inspect

But still it can fly and he speeds round the Earth
Attracting the tides with his sizeable girth

All the while the sleigh sounds like thunder
Following the stars ‘til he gets down under


But now down under what will he choose
To use trusted reindeer or six kangaroos

But this might start a demarcation dispute
So he’ll have to travel in an old Holden ute

Driving around with boardies and shades
Making deliveries as the night starts to fade

At Christmas this year what has Santa learnt
Bow down to minority groups, or for Christmas past yearn

But here is one thing he can give as a gift
Something quite meaningful, to make your spirits lift
It’s the gift that gives again and again
Goodwill to all, and peace among men.